Why I love Ryan Air

by Robbie Rae

First things first.

I know you probably think Ryanair are one of the worst brands in the world.

I understand, I do. I know that all they have done is ruin your holidays and made your children cry. I know they have ruined business deals, lost you money, maybe even cost you your job. I know that.

I know they are often late and then brag that they are the always on time. I know they have lost your luggage more than once. I know they have even tried to charge you 50p for taking a shit.

But that’s your experience.

Mine is completely different.

Because, for not much over a year and a half, I was in a long-distance relationship with the most wonderful girl in the world. The most beautiful, soulful, sexy, vulnerable, artistic and funny girl in the world.

Surely some exaggeration?

No exaggeration.

And when I would go over to Sweden to see her, this soulmate, I would fly with Ryanair. I would pay about 40 quid, and Ryanair would take me to my love for the same price it would cost to get to somewhere shit like Lincoln.

Ah, that fine flying machine, with its gauche colourings, its grimy seats and shitty attention to detail. That fantastic plane to me meant the promise of love no more than an hour and a half away.

What a wonderful thing to be inside.

That plane.

Squashed between two fatties, a child screaming delightfully in front of me, how I would daydream of what was waiting for me. Those classless try-too-hard stewards would make me smile, for I knew they were assisting me in my journey to Gotheburg’s shitty second airport and the jewel that would be waiting for me when I got there.

That plane took me from aggression, work, and fear to a place that I didn’t know could exist on this planet. It took me to a snow-white pillow with the prettiest head lying next to me. It took me to a calm, affectionate and easy place. That big, brilliant blue bastard plane took me to a sexy bum in a red neglige bending down in front of me to take out the chicken its gorgeous owner had kindly cooked for me.

Aww, that’s the stuff boys!

*the writer pauses to reflect*

So, you understand, where you see cheap, rotten, dishonest, corporate shit … I see my own ‘magic bus’ that took me to a place of tickles and laughs and all sorts of naughty business.

Now, I know you are probably not buying any of this. I know you see Ryanair as cheap, classless wank. And I’m not questioning your view. But I will say one thing: I don’t know where they took you, why they took you, and what went wrong on your particular fight.

But those London to Gothenburg flights of theirs?

I tell you, boys, they are well worth a shot.